Ugh… Valentine’s Day

Before we get started on today’s post, let me first ask you a rhetorical question. Who the fuck invented Valentine’s day? Valentine’s day is probably the worst holiday in America…that is… if you’re not a girl. But if you are a girl, it’s probably the best holiday in America. If you’re a girl who’s currently dating someone, you will get free shit from your boyfriend. If you’re a girl who is currently single, you’ll get less expensive free shit from multiple people. (Assuming that you’re okay looking). So basically Valentine’s day is just a day for girls to get free shit.

So now that we have the essence of Valentine’s Day defined, let’s move onto some cheap tactics for those of you in relationships. These tactics are just for guys since the most important part of Valentine’s Day is to remember that it is all about the girl. Sorry fellas, I hate saying it as much as you hate hearing it but the quicker you accept it, the easier your day will be. It doesn’t matter how little sense it makes (for people who think logically) to buy flowers, and chocolates and teddy bears and plan dinners and trips and whatever else for a commercially driven holiday, which was invented by companies that want your money. All that matters is how happy she is when this horrible, horrible day is over. And I don’t really care who you are, if you don’t do anything at all on Valentine ’s Day for your long-term girlfriend, you’re going to get owned. Now, all relationships are at different stages and all girlfriends have different maintenance levels, so there isn’t really a solid plan to follow. But, in general the best advice I can give is to plan ahead. Maybe instead of buying expensive gifts for her, you could plan a trip for the same price. You already know the date of the holiday, it wouldn’t hurt to book it a few months in advanced. This way, it seems like you put in way more thought into her present and you would also get way more enjoyment out of your trip then you would out of whatever you bought for her. Also, don’t buy flowers for her online. It’s totally not worth your money. Take the time to find out what her favorite flowers are and buy those at a local florist at a much cheaper price. Or even better yet, just get her flowers from the grocery store. Fraction of the cost, almost the same effect. Grocery store flowers never fail. She’s not going to be DISAPPOINTED to get a dozen roses just because it cost $9.99 rather than $49.99. Plus that shit is gonna die anyways. Next, the best solution to save money on Valentine’s Day is to give her something from the heart. Write her a poem, learn a song, make her a video. It might be a bit more effort, but your wallet will thank you once it’s over. Also, she might even like it better. Might. And last but not least, it is very important that you do not set the bar too high. Remember, if you don’t beat what you did last year… somebody is going to be very disappointed in you.

That pretty much sums up my advice for the people in relationships. My advice for the single people is much simpler.

1.       If you’re a girl, make sure you are available on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday night. You want to get in as many free dinners as you can from all of your noob suitors.

2.       If you’re a guy, wait until next week to ask out that girl you like. Expectations will be much lower and it will be far less awkward.